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QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE
I ran across this list online and had to read through it. My husband and I never made a list of questions like this before we were married but I know that we discussed nearly all of these things. It’s super important that couples who are planning on getting married should know if they are actually compatible. Check out this (borrowed) list and find out if you and your future spouse are on the road to success. (For more information you can check out the link to the article which is located at the bottom of this list.)
Sex/Romance/Love
If we eliminated physical attraction from our relationship, what would be left?
What is the best way for me to show that I love you?
If I put on weight, will it affect our sexual relationship? How?
Is it important for you to know that I’m a virgin? Why or why not?
What do I do that causes you to question my love?
What turns you off sexually?
How would our relationship be affected if for medical reasons we could not have children?
Do you think being in love means: (1) Never having to say you’re sorry, (2) Always having to say you’re sorry, (3) Knowing when to say you’re sorry, or (4) Being the first to say I’m sorry?
The Past
Which childhood experiences influence your behavior and attitude the most?
Could any feelings of affection and romance be revived if you met a previous boyfriend/girlfriend even though you feel strongly committed to me?
Is there anything in your past I should be aware of?
What did you dislike the most about your previous partners?
If your past boyfriends/girlfriends listed your most negative characteristics, what would they be?
Do you keep letters and memorabilia from past relationships? Why or why not?
Are you comfortable continuing this relationship if there are things in my past that I am not willing to share with you?
Have you ever been involved in any criminal activities? What were they?
Did your mother or father abuse each other or you in any way- sexually, emotionally, or physically?
Have you ever been able to overcome a bad habit? What was it?
Have you ever been violent in past relationships?
Trust
Have there been times when you were uncomfortable with the way I behaved with the opposite sex? If so, when and what did I do?
What do I do now or what could I do in the future that would make you mistrust me?
Would you be comfortable transferring all your money into my bank account?
Who comes first, your spouse or your children?
Is trust automatic until something occurs that takes it away, or does it evolve over time?
Do you trust me with money?
Is it permissible for us to open each other’s mail?
The Future
How are we different? Could this be a source of future conflict? Do our differences complement each other?
Do you anticipate maintaining your single lifestyle after we are married? That is, will you spend just as much time with your friends, family and work colleagues? Why or why not?
How did your family resolve conflicts when you were growing up? Do you approve or disapprove of that method? what will you change or not change to resolve conflicts in your future family?
Is there anything about marriage that frightens you?
Would you prefer to live in the city, the country, or by the beach? Why?
If I wanted to move away from our families for work, would you support me?
How would it affect you if I travel on my own frequently to (1) visit family, (2) earn income, (3) pursue a hobby, or (4) deal with stress?
Suppose we are experiencing trouble in our marriage. In what order will you seek help from the following to resolve our conflicts: (1) divorce lawyer, (2) your parents, (3) a brother or sister (4) a marriage counselor, (5) me, (6) a church leader? Why?
How will you support my hobbies?
How do you feel about having our parents come to live with us if the need arises?
Is there anything you would regret not being able to do or accomplish if you married me?
How will we schedule holidays with our families?
Children
Do you want children?
If we are unable to have children, should we adopt?
Do you anticipate raising our children (1) the same way you were raised (2) completely differently from the way you were raised (3) a mixture of both?
How long would you like to wait before having children?
Other than formal schooling, what types of education will our children get and how will they receive them?
When we have children, who will change the diapers, heat the bottles, prepare the meals, do the housework, bathe the child, get up in the middle of the night when a child is crying, take the child to the doctor, buy clothing, and dress the child?
What types of discipline would you implement to correct a child’s or a teenager’s behavior? Were these practices you experiences or are they new ones you have developed on your own?
Annoyances
If I had bad breath or body odor or wear dirty clothes, will you tell me? Should I tell you? Why or why not? How should we do it?
What is nagging? Do I nag? How does it make you feel?
DO you approve without reservation of the way I dress?
What does my family do that annoys you?
Would it bother you if I made body noises all the time, like passing gas or burping?
Is there anything you do in your line of work that I would disapprove of or that would hurt me?
Do you believe that you should stick with a marriage if you are unhappy all the time?
When do you need space away from me?
Communication
Whenever we have difficult feelings about each other, should we (1) remain silent, (2) say something as soon as the difficult feelings arise, (3) wait a certain amount of time before raising the issue, or (4) do something else? If so, what?
If you always say you are going to do something but never do it, what is the most effective way to bring this problem to your attention?
What did you admire about the way your mother and father treated each other?
What is the best way for me to communicate difficult feelings about you so that you are not offended?
Who should know bout the arguments we have?
What makes you not want to talk to me?
Do you feel you could communicate with me under any circumstance and about any subject?
Finance
What justifies going into debt?
What are all your current personal debts?
Do you feel stress when facing financial problems? How do you deal with that stress?
How often do you use credit cards, and what do you buy with them?
How should we prepare for a financial emergency?
Do you feel that lack of money is a good reason not to have children?
When our child is born, will he or she go to daycare or will one of us stay home to take care of the child? Who will it be?
Will we have a budget?
Who will pay the bills?
How do you feel about helping me pay my debts?
What are your feelings about saving money?
Do you prefer separate bank accounts or assets in different names? Why?
Miscellaneous
How would you rank all the priorities in your life: work, school, family, spouse, friends, hobbies, and chuch? Does your ranking reflect the amount of time you spend on each?
Are you closer to your mother or father? Why?
Do you prefer a set daily work schedule or flexible work activities and timetables?
What do you fear?
What influence, if any, do you believe my family should have on our relationship?
Do you believe that our parents should know our financial condition, whether good or bad, just because they want to? How far should this go?
What are your views on pornography?
How would you react if our son or daughter told us they were gay?
Do you harbor any racial prejudice?
How do you feel about having guns in our home?
Is there anyone close to you who feels we should not get married? Why? Should we this?
What health problems do you have?
Have you ever had any psychological problems?
When you are in a bad mood, how should I deal with it?
Do you like pets?
Emmalee Shallenberger: Graphic Designer 
This should be retitled ‘100 questions couples should ask before getting married to a complete stranger in Vegas.’ Seriously, if you have to ask your partner half of these questions then you really shouldn’t be getting married in the first place because you obviously don’t even know each other that well.
That is the point! :) It is important to know your significant other before getting married and also it’s important to make sure that you are compatible. I would hope that most people already know the answers to these questions if they are considering getting married.
Even if you know the answers to all the questions it is beneficial to reiterate that you are on the same page. My husband and I do this each year because things change, new problems arise and we like to make sure we are still on the same page. It brings us closer and helps us find new and better ways of communicating with each other. Always growing together!
The biggest mistake you could make would be to ASSUME that you know all the answers.
Because nobody’s ever made that mistake before… have they?
That is 100% the truth these are questions that should be asked whether you think you know the answer or not…. People assume they know the answer to questions but really don’t… some of these should also be revistied even after marriage as some of the answers will probably change.
This is the very first thing I thought of after reading this, before even having a chance to scroll down to read the comments.
I used to think that, but I’ve watched so many marriages implode over basic values incompatibilites like these that it’s changed my mind. I think people are so caught up in the idea that if you can love them then you’ve found the right person, but you can love someone who’s wrong for you, and easily. It’s a heckuva lot better to ahead of time you’re a poor match and determine how far you’re willing to compromise your beliefs, rather than have the situation thrust upon you when you’ve already got a house and kids together.
What about political questions? Ex. Do you think its important to vote? Or charity, volunteering and donating…these questions are really good and they got me thinking…
Those are some good questions as well!
Good point! I was also wondering why there were no religious-based questions… Like Caro said above, it’s better to go over these even though you most likely already know the answers (just to be sure), because it’s worse to assume and realize later that there’s an issue you should have worked through before getting married, or if one of them is a deal-breaker.
Thanks everyone for your comments! I was inspired to make an additional list to this one including religious-based questions, political questions, and some other random stuff. If you think that this list is missing an important question than leave me a comment about it. Thanks!
I would ask questions regarding betrayal, both emotional and physical. What constitutes betrayal in a relationship?
GOOD QUESTION!However I feel. that if you get into (more than a few of the questions) depth you should be able to answer that question.My personal thought is,that I more than likely I would be hurt more by the emotional betrayal! Only because that is the one thing that means the most to me. Without an emotional bond then it’s just sex!
Are you kidding!!! How long have you been married. I have been married for 26 years and I still can’t answer some of these question. You have to know some answers but a lot of questions get answered through time. As you grow and mature your answer may change as well. Marriage is about learning to be with each other through many many questions.
Thank you for your thoughts on this. The questions originally came for another blogger who acquired them in a college class that he was taking.
http://www.lovethegrows.com/2012/11/questions-you-should-ask-before-marriage.html
I personally have been married for 4 years. I think that it is far better to learn the answers to these and any other important questions before you get married than to find out that you are incompatible much too late. Unfortunately, I have already seen too many marriages fail that were far shorter than mine. I would definitely advise my friends to go over this list or another list of questions before they make the biggest decision of their lives.
I agree also with cheryl, and I have been married for 41 years. People learn over time and they adjust to one another if they were meant to be. Young couples just give up too easily and file for divorce without taking the time to grow.
@Tess
That’s part of it, but I also see people my age (I’m 30) getting married without even knowing if the other one wants kids or not.
These questions are great! I agree that people’s answers could change over time… I think it is important to ask yourself these questions even if you don’t outright ask your partner. Based on your experience with the person you are with, asking yourself if they are considerate, reasonable and open to communication and compromise is important – if you know that they are than you should be able to grow together and respectfully work through any differences in opinion you may encounter in the future.
Just as it is important to learn and grow with your partner over time and not give up at the first sign of trouble it is as important to know what both of you want for your future, what your ideas on childrearing are, financial plans etc BEFORE you sign the papers. Believe me, these are NOT things you discuss on romantic dates. I am remarried, into my third year and I wish we had had these questions! Makes a lot of sense to me. Often people get married with rose tinted glasses on and only when the pretty dress is hanging in the cupboard and there is a crying baby in the crib do those glasses come off.
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the only question needed to be asked is Is Jesus Christ first in your life. If the answer is yes then go for it!
…..except the answer to that question for both me and my spouse is yes.
but If one of spouse absolutely does not want kids and the other is desperate for them then that marriage is not going to work. same thing with things like “love (or hate) of travel”, “love (or hate) of animals” for just some small examples of things you need to hash out before you decide to commit your life to someone.
I do agree with the long married ladies above that I could not answer a bunch of these about my husband (7 years married) but would not have balked at both of us filling this out, survey style and going over the answers so we can see where our future conflicts may arise. (ie: i remember where I put stuff so am not very organized, he HAS to be organized or he can’t find anything. this is probably out no 1 argument.)
except I’m a Jew and so is my partner. This is supposed to be a list for everyone. Don’t be so self-centered.
that is definitely an important question but not the only question that matters what if you are like me and you got married to someone and the answer to that question was yes in 3 years later your partner has lost his faith all together if we didn’t have other things in common there would be nothing holding us together now
Thats the no 1question which solves all the others doesn’t it?
This is why I think every couple should go through pre-marital counseling with their pastor/officiator before getting married. My husband and I had to answer a list of questions like this separately and then went over our answers together with our pastor and talked through any topics we weren’t on the same page about. It was really helpful to not only go through our answer and come up with solutions where we both compromised, but to also have a third party involved to give us spiritual guidance in our answers. I also agree with many of the ladies that just because two people aren’t 100% compatible answering these questions doesn’t mean they can’t have a wonderful marriage. Marriage is about compromise, growth, and loving your spouse regardless, because “God first loved us while we were still sinners”. We follow the example of Christ in sacrificial love for our spouse, even when we aren’t in 100% agreement on things. I truly believe God brings two people together who are different in some ways so that together they are complete, but similar in ways to have common ground.
I may be entering into my third and she her fourth. The thing learned is: like minded people can achieve wishes and weather hurts successfully. Best to know that and then trust intuition to make a union.
Great advice. I filled it out and sent it to my boyfriend. Just thought I need clarification in some areas before we look at rings.
Cool! Even if you don’t agree on everything, it’s good to know what he thinks ahead of time. Just make sure you agree on the things that you think are important. :)
We went through the list. Half on the way to Washington DC from Providence and half on the way back. It made the time go by pleasantly and brought up some great talking points. Gave us a things to look into list.
Reblogged this on Growing in Faith, one step at a time… and commented:
I absolutely love this post..
lovely i will love to use some of these questions in a book i am writing and i will give your blog credit
You should actually credit this blog: http://www.lovethegrows.com/2012/11/questions-you-should-ask-before-marriage.html
That’s where I got the questions from. :)
great questions indeed, very helpful
Am so glad I met this page at the right time because the real question for both of us was slate out. Thanks for holding my upcoming family firm. You shall be upholded also
Wow, some great questions promoting quality discussion.
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I strongly believe in these questions. Without asking and finding out from the other person’s mouth, mind and thoughts during conversations, you would end up feeling that you are comfortable with the usually heightened sexual sensation commonly mistaken for love. These questions and responses you get open people’s eyes and minds into the relationship and help in wise decision making.
Secondly, asking these questions deepen the relationship. It helps in making the art of conversation easy for the two people. If both of you end up married after working through these questions together, you would find that you are more able to be open to one another than when you did not.
Pingback: Wow. These are some in depth questions, but I think going through ALL of them is necessary before marriage. Are you sure of the decision you are making? @ wish-upon-a-weddingwish-upon-a-wedding
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Reblogged this on MIND BODY SOL and commented:
I attended a wedding this weekend and as a result I’m feeling pensive this week.
This is an extremely in-depth list of questions.
Lovely advice.
I think it’s great to ask all of the important questions before getting married to make sure that there are no deal breakers, but to me this list is over the top. Before getting married, I asked my husband (who already had two children from a previous relationship) if he wanted more children. If he said no, then that would have been a deal breaker for me. I also asked him how much debt he had, how he was with spending/saving money, had he ever been arrested. We already went to the same church and had plenty of religious conversations. But asking about if he likes pets or not is not a deal breaker, or if he prefers his mother or father over the other and why is too nit picky. Of course, there are some great questions in this list, but there are far too many than needed.
Wow this is very use full! Thank you :)
I very rarely leave comments, but your post and others’ comments have really prompted me to do so.
I LOVED your list of questions and, although I knew answers to many of them (or thought I knew the answers), I sat my fiancee down over a bottle of red wine and ran through the list over a couple of evenings. Being together for three years and planning to marry this August, we obviously knew some of the very topical questions and moved through them quickly…I certainly hope it wouldn’t be the first time we had the virginity conversation.There were also some really great conversations that developed over these questions that neither of us was expecting. Sometimes you have a vague idea of the answers but actually sitting down and bringing them to the surface escapes your daily routine. Things need to be SPOKEN and not just internalized or implied.
To the ladies that boasted about being married for decades…I applaud you. Marriage is an unbelievably strenuous and beautiful sanctity that many people don’t place nearly enough value on. I disagree with you however, that these need not be spoken about and that you can just work through differing opinions. Obviously who takes out the trash should not be a deal breaker but the idea that one person should carry out ALL household duties might be, These questions evoke larger conversations and bring the thoughts of both partners to the forefront. I think having similar ideals and expectations for the course of our marriage (lifetime) is absolutely necessary to be able to stay the course. Disagreements will inevitable arise but knowing your partner has similar core values and the ability to respect the differences before committing to marriage is something I think many people don’t properly explore before diving into a lifetime with someone and inevitably those marriages fail.
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Reblogged this on Trying to locate Nohemi and commented:
I shall email him one question day along with my answers
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Reblogged this on MadeleineMaya.
this is nice
You left out, “Are we eating too much garlic as a people?” I agree that if you have to ask these questions, you have ni right getting married to the person you are asking!
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Although so many questions, but it is for real though.
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As a pastor, I incorporate most of these questions into a pre marital session with the couple. I have them answer the questions seperately about themselves or what they expect from their spouse. Then I go line by line through their answers together. Anywhere that they answered differently is a potential issue later in their marriage, so we discuss it. Sometimes we assume that we know all of the answers but our spouse is seeing it from a completely different view. They may or may not be discussing ALL of these life issues together.